Get the Complete Uni Bundle for Only £34.99

The first week of university from a parent at home

The bags are unpacked and lectures have begun, but parents are adjusting too. With my sons in Leeds and Bournemouth, I share my thoughts on pride, worry and finding a comfortable way to stay connected while giving them space to grow.

PARENT GUIDES

Aisha Mello

9/29/20263 min read

There is so much to do before our children start university that it can be difficult to think beyond getting them there. We work through accommodation, shopping, travel and the bags that somehow never seem large enough. We want them to have what they need. We want the room to feel comfortable. Then lectures begin, and we have to get used to being a smaller part of their everyday routine.

That is where I am now. Yari started last week in Leeds, and Zen is starting this week in Bournemouth. They are at different stages of university, in different cities, and I am learning how to support each of them without expecting their experiences to look alike.

Our family moved from Bermuda to England only a few months ago, so there is another layer to all of this. We are still finding our own feet here. Being in the same country as the boys matters, but it does not mean that everything suddenly feels familiar or easy.

The questions that follow them to university

I am very proud of my sons. I know how hard they have worked and how capable they are. I can know all of that and still wonder whether they have eaten.

Food is an easy question to ask. Behind it are other things I want to know. Are they comfortable? Are they finding their way around? Is there someone they can sit beside? Are they feeling all right when the day is over?

When our children live at home, we pick up information without arranging a conversation. We hear them come through the door. We notice how they sound or whether they head straight to their room. Once they are away, we have fewer of those everyday clues. A short message may leave us wanting a much longer answer.

I want to remember that a brief reply is only a brief reply. It does not tell me the whole story of their day. If I need to know something, I can ask, rather than fill the gaps with every possible worry.

Finding a way to stay in touch

One thing I want to work towards is a pattern of contact that feels comfortable for all of us. That might mean a message during the day and a longer conversation when there is time. Another family might prefer a regular evening call. The useful part is talking about it together.

I would rather ask when a good time to call would be than spend the day wondering whether I am interrupting. Their timetable is changing, and so is mine. We can make room for contact without expecting each other to be available every minute.

I also want our conversations to include ordinary things. What did they enjoy? What surprised them? What made them laugh? There is a lot more to a university week than whether the laundry is done, even if I would quite like to know that too.

Learning when to offer help

It is tempting to turn every difficulty into something I need to sort out immediately. After years of parenting, looking for a solution comes quite naturally.

But I can begin by asking whether they want help thinking something through or simply want me to listen. If there is a practical problem, we can work out the next step together. Sometimes that next step belongs to them, such as emailing someone at university or checking information they have already received.

I still want them to know they can call. Being independent should leave room for asking questions. None of us becomes experienced at something before we have had a chance to practise it.

Making room for my own adjustment

There is an adjustment happening at home as well. I have work I want to build, a family to care for and a life here that is still taking shape. Giving those things my attention helps me have something of my own to bring to our conversations.

I can miss the boys while getting on with my day. I can enjoy hearing that they are busy, even when arranging a call takes a little more effort. I do not expect those feelings to settle into a neat order during one week.

If your child has just started university, perhaps choose one thing to agree on together this week: a comfortable way to stay in touch. Let that be enough for today.

I am sharing these experiences through Before Uni as we live them. You are welcome to follow along at beforeuni.shop, and I would love to hear which part of the first week has felt biggest for you.