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What your child may be feeling in the first week of university

Behind a quick “I’m fine” could be excitement, uncertainty or a longing for something familiar. Explore what students may be feeling as university begins, with gentle ways to listen, offer support and give friendships time to develop.

STUDENT GUIDESPARENT GUIDES

Aisha Mello

10/5/20263 min read

When a parent asks how university is going, it is quite a large question. We might be asking about the course, the room, meals, friends and whether our child is happy, all in one sentence. They might be answering while looking for a lecture theatre or deciding what to cook. A quick “fine” can leave a lot unsaid.

With one son in Leeds and another in Bournemouth, I am conscious that I cannot know everything they are feeling from the outside. I do not want to put words in their mouths. But I do want to leave space for the possibility that a first week can contain several different feelings, sometimes within the same afternoon.

For a student reading this, you do not have to give your family a perfectly organised account of university life. You are still finding out what it feels like yourself.

Excitement can sit alongside uncertainty

There may be real pleasure in having your own space, studying something you chose and deciding how to spend your day. Then an unfamiliar task can interrupt that confidence. You might not know where a class meets, how a system works or who to ask about a change to your timetable.

Those moments do not have to become a judgement about whether you belong at university. You can deal with the particular thing in front of you. Check the course information, ask a member of staff or speak to another student. You do not have to make sense of the entire year during the first week.

As parents, we can help by being interested in the details rather than immediately asking whether everything is going well. “What was your first class like?” gives someone a smaller place to begin.

Meeting people can take more than one week

Some students may enjoy introducing themselves to lots of people. Others may be more comfortable talking to one person after a lecture. There may also be days when they want company and days when they want a quiet evening.

It can be uncomfortable to see groups forming while you are still learning names. Photographs of other people's nights out can make that feeling sharper, because you are seeing selected moments without knowing what the rest of their week was like.

A smaller aim may feel more manageable: speak to someone from your course, attend an activity that interests you or return to a place where you have already met a friendly person. There is no need to decide during the first week who all your close friends will be.

At home, we can be careful with questions about friendship. Asking whether someone has “made lots of friends yet” can accidentally turn a conversation into a progress report. Asking whether they have met anyone they enjoyed talking to leaves more room for an honest answer.

Everyday decisions can take up a lot of space

There is the academic timetable, and then there is everything surrounding it. Buying food, choosing dinner, doing laundry and working out a journey all require attention. Tasks that were shared or handled at home may now arrive together.

A student might feel pleased with a lecture and frustrated by the washing machine on the same day. They might have had a good afternoon and still miss a familiar meal that evening. Those experiences can exist together without one cancelling the other.

If you are a student, it is reasonable to make everyday life easier where you can. Repeat a meal you know how to cook. Put a reminder in your phone. Ask how something works. You have enough new things to learn without requiring every dinner to be an achievement.

Being honest about what would help

Sometimes it can be difficult to tell a parent that something feels hard, especially when you know how much they have invested in helping you get there. I want my children to feel able to tell me about an awkward day without worrying that I will treat it as a disaster.

We can ask what would help, listen to the answer and avoid insisting they should be enjoying every minute. If a difficulty keeps getting in the way of everyday life, we can help them find the appropriate university support contact rather than expect them to manage it alone.

This week, try a conversation about one enjoyable moment and one thing that felt unfamiliar. There is room for both.

For students who would welcome a gentle starting point for meeting people, University for Shy People is available through Before Uni at beforeuni.shop. Take the ideas that suit you and give yourself time to find your own pace.

- Aisha

Before Uni